Quality Jokes from Mom's Coworkers

John · 2018-04-27 03:56:27

I'm going to start posting the joke emails that my mom forwards to me from her coworkers.

▼April 26, 2018

▼April 27, 2018

▼May 1, 2018

▼May 2, 2018

▼May 3, 2018

▼May 7, 2018

▼FORMAT

LukeM, mutantdevle

John · 2018-04-27 03:57:35

April 26, 2018

A blonde was weed-a-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat, who was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!
Why WAL-MART?
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!

What did the ice cream cone ride to the store?
CW: AnswerA fudge-cycle.

How do you get a tissue to dance?
CW: AnswerPut a little boogie in it.

Harmonious, LukeM

mrjawapa · 2018-04-27 04:00:59

these are bad

lrussell, Latif

John · 2018-04-27 04:02:08

mrjawapa wrote:

these are bad

yesterday's was worse LOL

TaskManager · 2018-04-27 07:15:34

mrjawapa wrote:

these are bad

Jokes by adults are supposed to be bad
I'm guessing that's what adult life is

LukeM · 2018-04-27 07:51:34

Bad puns are the best puns

TundrumMax, mutantdevle

Xfrogman43 · 2018-04-27 10:16:48

why dont you end your tw tag

Zumza · 2018-04-27 13:51:06

This topic is an atrocity and an insult for the Creative section.

Harmonious · 2018-04-27 14:49:39

These people have no respect for the "so bad, it's good" genre. I appreciate you, John

LukeM, rat

Gosha · 2018-04-27 15:01:03

One-legged boy got up on the wrong foot

Gosha · 2018-04-27 16:12:50

Yesterday me and my grandfather were laughing to death! He won.

John · 2018-04-27 16:24:33

Gosha wrote:

One-legged boy got up on the wrong foot

Gosha wrote:

Yesterday me and my grandfather were laughing to death! He won.

ok these are great

@everyone share your "its so bad, its good" jokes

TaskManager · 2018-04-27 18:35:53

DAD JOKES TIME
PREPARE YOURSELVES
So, there was a guy that lost his eye and had a glass eye instead that he could take out and put back in
One day he accidentally swallowed that eye
He went to take a dump later that day and realised that he's got constipation
So, he went to a doctor to check what's the problem
The doctor looked into the dude's bumhole and with a shocked face said "Damn man, there's someone in there looking at me!"

credit for the story goes to my dad

peace · 2018-04-27 18:53:01

this is bob
bob has no arms
knock knock'
who's there
its not bob because bob has no arms

Latif, Yonanoke, cpcrabs, Dencc, Gosha, PTU

Gosha · 2018-05-01 10:10:57

Doctor: It seems like you are pregnant
Woman: Am i pregnant?!?!?
Doctor: No, but it seems like it.

Vinyl Melody, azurepudding, Yonanoke, Koto

Bluecloud · 2018-05-01 16:18:33

Getting ready to go to prom

Go to rent a tuxedo at the tuxedo shop
Long line for tuxedos
Waits, finally gets tuxedo

Go to get flowers at the flower shop
Long line for flowers
Waits, finally gets flowers

Go to rent a limousine at limousine shop
Long line for limousines
Waits, finally gets limousine

Prom night
Gets in limo with date and give her the flowers
Gets to prom, having a good time
Date asks for some punch
Goes to punch bowl
CW: AnswerThere's no punch line.

Gosha · 2018-05-02 18:42:45

My Grandmother had 2 kittens, but her memory wasn't very good. That's why she named one "Kitty" and the other one was drowned.

******************************

- What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
- Carlos.

******************************

Pathologist died, but it didn't stop him from getting to his job.

PTU

azurepudding · 2018-05-03 06:49:39

Pilot: *over intercom* we're all gonna die

Passengers: *begin freaking out*

Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when

Passengers: *sigh in relief*

Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain

John · 2018-05-03 17:02:44

Updated the OP with new jokes from my mom! Sorry that I've been slacking! Also thank you everyone for sharing!!

April 27, 2018

I went fishing last weekend but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

Why is the Hulk a good gardener?
CW: AnswerHe has a green thumb.

May 1, 2018

The Church Ladies Bulletins (Part 1 of 3)
These sentences supposedly appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

What bird is at every meal?
CW: AnswerA swallow.

May 2, 2018

The Church Ladies Bulletins (Part 2 of 3)
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

What do you call a cow with epilepsy?
CW: AnswerBeef jerky.

May 3, 2018

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

The Church Ladies Bulletins (Part 3 of 3)
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Greek Orthodox Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
And this one just about sums them all up:
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

What is a kangaroo’s favorite year?
CW: AnswerLeap Year.

Joeyc · 2018-05-03 22:38:49

this topic is the best joke of all

Gosha · 2018-05-06 13:13:15

i drowned yesterday, it was a breath-taking experience

SirJosh3917, PTU

John · 2018-05-12 23:48:44

Sorry that I've been slacking! My mom just got a new job so idk if she'll get these anymore.

May 7, 2018

Most people don't know that in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to have been the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was lost forever.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

(Part 1 of 4 of whatever these are. And please, no PC-related comments - some of these aren't.)
I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bathing suit, people reveal 90% of their body. And others on the beach are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
A recent study has found that spouses who carry a little extra weight live longer than the spouse who mentions it.

PTU

PTU · 2018-05-13 06:49:30

What do cows tell each other at bedtime?

▼CONTENT WARNING: Answer

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#1 2018-04-27 03:56:27, last edited by John (2018-05-12 23:50:35)