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Haze123

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Joined: 2015-03-09

Posts: 1,691

"Letters" A story by: Haze123

Letters by: Haze123
Part 1
Chapter 1 Letters
"What are you doing?" Susan asked. "I'm reading my letter!" Emily replied. "Really?! Who's it from". *Emily checks whos it from*. "Hmm... It's from Daniel." Emily said. "Daniel?" Susan says. Nevermind this let's go to recess". *Bell rings*. "This letter is really cute!" Emily exclaims. "Really? Lemme see it!" *Susan reads the note*. "WOW! I think Daniel is my favorite boy now" Susan said. "Okay, Okay, let's just hang out here." said Emily. "WAIT! Did   you hear that? I think it was a scream..." Susan exclaims. "If we need to ditch school we'll do it but make sure we're prepared" said Emily. "We'll search tomorrow cause it's a weekend".
Part 2
Chapter 2 Searching for the weekend...
*Morning* *They meet up by the woods* "Okay everything packed?" Emily asks. "Yeah". "Then let's go!" *They walk into the woods* "Alright, we need to be careful i hear there are wild animals everywhere around these woods." Emily said. "Trust me we will find that screaming person in no time. *Night* "Okay this is enough. We need some sleep" Said Emily. "Let's build shelter." Susan said. *Sleeping after making shelter* --------- *Morning* "Emily! I had a dream we werefighting the bad guy and we were saving Hunter!" "Hunter? My BROTHER?!" Emiley exclaims. "We need to help him!" "Let's go quickly!
Part 3
Chapter 3 Crystal Castle
"We need to hunt food first!" Susan exclaims. "Okay i will Hunter taught me how to survive in the wild". *Emily finds a river* "Here i brought fish let's make a fire" *After they eat* "Okay now let's go" Said Susan. "We're almost there i can see something." Said Emily. "Let's run there so it can be faster to get there." Said Susan. "Okay. That way we can get there sooner!" Said Emily. *They stop* "We're here" Susan says. "Okay we just got to open up the door" *The door opens up automaticly* *They look at eachother* "Okay... Uhhh... Let's go...". "Wait, let's make sure theres' no traps." Susan says. "There can't be a trap on a door." "Let's just go, Susan. My brother is in there!" "Fine let's go!" *They go in* "Hello..." "Who's there!" Emily exclaims. "Come to me"...  
Part 4
Chapter 4 Meeting new friends.
they walk more in the castle. Hello someone has come and that someone is you. "Wait... How old are you?" Emily asks... "I am your age." "Also whats your name?" "Derrick." "Okay Derrick, wanna help us save my brother?" "Sure, Okay, Yeah, let's go there are stairs there, grab a torch" said Derrick. "Everyone ready?" said Susan. "Yes." Derrick and Emily said together. "Okay then let's go." they walk up the stairs and find a granite door. "Look it! I found a hatchet." Said Derrick. "I found a giant hammer. "Okay you guys smash that door!" Susan exclaimed. after they smash the door. "Let's keep these weapons for emergencies." said Derrick.
Part 5
Chapter 5 Monster doors
they go in... "WHAT THE?!" Emily exclaims. "A Dark Demon?!" "Oh my gosh! Let's smash that thing!" Derrick exclaims. Dark Demon: SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH! "Oh gosh thats loud." Said Susan. Derrick and Emily throw their weapons and throw it to the head. the head falls off... "Okay lets go. I've had enough of ONE monster, which is a demon" said Susan. they exit to another door. they walk up more and more stairs. They find a door made out of wood. "Good thing i took the hatchet with me again." said Derrick. He smashes the wooden door... "What will be here for us now?" said Emily.
To be continued...

Last edited by haze123 (Mar 3 2012 10:47:22 am)

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I are back.

mangoman

Guest

Re: "Letters" A story by: Haze123

o.o isn't this the same as the last one I saw?

FCDH

Guest

Re: "Letters" A story by: Haze123

why you post this 2 times?

Haze123

Member

Joined: 2015-03-09

Posts: 1,691

Re: "Letters" A story by: Haze123

ohh i think i lagged
[EDIT] Part 4 and 5 added (on this topic)

Last edited by haze123 (Mar 3 2012 10:48:32 am)

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I are back.

Deetz

Guest

Re: "Letters" A story by: Haze123

This is hard to undrestand when it's   written like a play.

Instead of *they walk to the woods**they get out map*

Try "They walked to the woods. Bob got out the map and started reading."

mangoman

Guest

Re: "Letters" A story by: Haze123

This is a great story, but you should proofread (re-read) the story to catch and fix any mistakes. Plus, when I learned to do quotes, I was learned to do this:

"I'm reading my letter!" Emily replied.
"Really? Who's it from?" Susan asked.

Not this:

"I'm reading my letter!" Emily replied. "Really? Who's it from?"

When you did it on the same line, I though Emily was asking herself the question ^-^".

Plus, you don't have to *put the star-like shapes* around every action. Instead of doing this:

*Emily checks whos it from*

You could do this:

Emily checks the letter to see who it's from.

Or add a little more pizzaz:

Emily quickly scans through the letter to see who wrote the letter.

Plus, instead of doing this:

Dark Demon: SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

You could do this:

The Dark Demon screeches really loud, piercing their ears.

Or again, add a touch of more awesome dust,

"Oh my gosh! Let's smash tha-
"SCREECH!!" The dark demon pierces through the air, cutting off Derrick's sentence.

Or something like that. In addition, I think it keeps... jumping to conclusions. For example, "

"Emily! I had a dream we werefighting the bad guy and we were saving Hunter!" "Hunter? My BROTHER?!" Emiley exclaims. "We need to help him!" "Let's go quickly!

You could sort of make the reader more mystified, like this:

"Emily! I had a dream we were fight this huge, black demon-like person and we were saving Hunter!"
"Hunter? My BROTHER?!" Emily exclaims, "We need to help him! Let's go quickly!"
Susan replied, "Wait, how do you know your brother is in trouble?" Emily looks at her.
"Look, dreams can be real. I'm not taking any risks know thing my brother is somewhere here," Emily whispers and she gets up and leaves, with Susan trailing behind.

Other then that, I luved the story! Can't wait for more! Sorry if I'm critisizing you to much.