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skullz17

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Joined: 2015-02-15

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The Advena - story by skullz16

The story is finished

If it's too long for a single post, I can either put it in pastebin, a download for the document or I could split it up (the last thing I want to do).

If you need to find a specific chapter, you can hit ctrl+f/cmd+f (I think) and type in 'CHAPTER 'X''

Here we go,

CHAPTER 1: THE NIGHTMARE

I was in an unfamiliar room just sitting down on the old, dusty floorboards, thinking about what to do to pass the time. There was something strange in the corner, like a kind of white slimy ball, but it was still, so it didn't bother me. I was like that at the time, no curiosity at all. Then, I saw it move in the corner of my eye. Now my curiosity was triggered and I slowly approached it. Suddenly an eye opened ? filling its whole face - and a tentacle sprouted from a hole, which I thought was its mouth. The tentacle grabbed me and lifted me up, then another tentacle came out and the unusual creature held it above me for a moment. In no time at all, the tentacle turned sharp and went speeding towards me. I was so scared I had to close my eyes.

When I opened them I was in a different room. This room was also unfamiliar; I had never been there before. I came to the conclusion that what had happened was all just a dream. It wasn't real. But unfortunately, reality was just as bad.

I rushed to the door to open it and find out where I was, but it was locked tight. So I peered around desperately for a way out, and I spotted a window. But when I saw what was happening outside, I changed my mind about climbing out. Buildings were engulfed in flames, and people were screaming and running. I had several thoughts and questions, "It looks like a war is taking place here. What is going on...??

CHAPTER 2: ALIENS

Reluctantly, I leaped out the window. I was eager to find out what was going on, so I walked around and searched. I seemed to be the only calm person left.

I could hear gunfire, and hoped that I wouldn't find what everyone was running from. Unfortunately, things didn't go my way. A weird creature that looked like a huge furless dog standing on two legs popped out of nowhere when I was going through an alleyway. Its skin was smooth and shiny looking, mainly grey, with blue stripes. It only had three fingers in each hand which both held a gun.

I quickly ran to the street and turned, as the creature started shooting. I thought of breaking through a window and hiding in a building, but everything was up in flames, rendering the idea impossible to carry out. I thought there was no possible way out, but then I saw stairs leading down. "The subway!? I thought with relief.

There was no one there to catch me going on the train without a ticket, so I sprinted past, and reached the platform. "Darn." I thought. "No one to drive the train.? So I kept running, until I saw a hole in the wall which seemed to be made from a small bomb. Suddenly a bullet went through my shoulder, as I kept running through and dodged the rest of the bullets.

"Sorry! That's my trap for the aliens." said a voice. When I went through the hole I ended up in a room with many other people. The alien came through the hole and got shot, but it didn't die. "Kill it!!" one of them yelled, as everyone started shooting with their guns. It died and they all started cheering.

CHAPTER 3: THE REBELS

"Sorry about the trap. I'm Mark, the doctor." said Mark. "Here, let me bandage your wound.".
"Um, thanks." I replied then asked, "Does anyone know why everything is up in flames?"
"You don't know?" asked one that looked like the leader "You must live underground."
"Isn't that where you live?" I asked. "We're in the subway remember."
"Oh yeah...well never mind. I'm Karl, the leader, and this is our little rebel army. Let me explain to you what's going on. Aliens just randomly came to Earth, but we're still not sure why, and started destroying everything. They are led by some big tentacle dude with one eye. Unlike humans, there are lots of different types of their race, and some of them are a lot more powerful than the alien you saw us kill just now. You should join us and be rebels, we could use the help. Just get a gun from Alex."
"Here you go." said Alex, handing me a gun.

"What kind of guns are these?" I asked. "They look strange."
"These aren't normal guns. These are guns we steal from aliens." answered Alex "Since the aliens are always going to attack us, we steal their guns and ammo so we have an unlimited supply."
"That's cool. But how are they different from normal guns?"
"There are lots of different guns that have different abilities. As you use these guns more, you will realise how good alien technology is." I looked in a box of guns, and Alex was right. There is a big variety. There were some glowing ones, ones that changed colour, and all sorts of strange devices attached to them.

"You should see Marty. He'll tell you about identifying the aliens." Karl suggested.
"As Karl said earlier, there are lots of different types of this particular alien race, so we need to give each one a name. The one you saw earlier was a 'Rifledog'." explained Marty. "There are also 'Stridecannons'. They look like cannons, except they have short thick legs and no knee joint. Their head is shaped like a cannon and their eyes are very small."
"Weird." I said.
"'Trispiders' are like spiders, but they only have three legs and they're about the size of a double bed. They attack with their needle sharp legs. These three are the most common aliens to attack us, and the most weak, so it's all you need to know for now.".
"Thanks. I'm sure I'll find that useful."

"Oh and one more thing," said Karl. "You'll need some armour. There isn't really an expert here that makes everyone's armour, everyone just makes their own. You'll find some through the door to my left." I went there and there was some strange looking clothing.
"What is the armour made of?" I questioned.
"Like our guns and ammo, this is unlimited. We make them out of alien skin and muscle. We mostly use Stridecannons' body since it is so strong and the Trispiders' legs are great for making the armour flexible, and of course we take of the sharp bit. We don't normally use Rifledogs for making armour. They are great for supplying weapons though." So I found some armour in a large box and put it on.

Then, there was an inhuman groan which made me jump. "What the hell was that?" I asked, confused.
"It sounds like an alien. Probably a Stridecannon." replied Marty.
"Get ready to shoot everyone!!" Karl cried. The Stridecannon came stomping through the hole in the wall and the trap was set off. Because of its strong body it was barely affected. Then, everyone started shooting it, including me, as it shot its cannon. The cannonball came out and got Karl in the chest. He screamed and collapsed to the floor. I didn't know what to do. The monster was too strong. Then, looking at a room filled with dead aliens, I had the most brilliant idea. I rushed to the room and rummaged through the corpses, until I found a dead Stridecannon, and ripped off its cannon. "Take this!" I said, as I fired the cannon, and hit the alien. It grunted, fell to the ground and died. Everyone was cheering things like, "You did it! You killed your first alien!? Then, Mark walked up to Karl and took him to another room to look at his wound.

After a while, Karl got healed. "Well," said Karl. "You're with us now, welcome to our little rebel army!"

CHAPTER 4: THIS JUST THE BEGINNING

"Well done. A brilliant idea." said Marty. "But remember what I told you. The alien you killed is one of the 3 weakest."
"That's right." said Karl. "But by the time we're fighting the strong aliens, we'll be even stronger!"
"Yeah!" everyone cheered.
"So do you guys just stay here and live here?" I asked. "Or do you go up to the city sometimes?".
"We go up occasionally." replied Karl. "In fact, how about we go out and search tomorrow. For now, let's go to bed. Let me show you where the beds are." Karl took me to a room with mats scattered all over the place. "Sorry if the mats aren't comfy." said Karl.

Early the next morning, Karl woke up first and got everyone else to get up. "Come on everyone! It's time to search!" I moaned and complained, but eventually I got out of bed. After all, I gave Karl the idea. Mark upgraded the trap by replacing the gun with a Stridecannon cannon. Just in case it wasn't enough, we left a couple of rebels there to guard our weapons, armour and the rebels who were going to bed because they would guard at night. Karl showed me a secret entrance so we didn't get caught in Mark's trap, and then we reached the steps. I had a cannon in my hand. It sort of became my trademark. "This is it." said Karl. "We're going-". He was interrupted by a strange screech.

"Trispider!" exclaimed Marty, as we sprinted up the steps to find where it was. It was right there in front of us, and as soon as we realised the situation, we started shooting, and I fired my cannon. But it wouldn't fall. It jumped into the air so it could land on someone with its sharp legs. I fired again, but I missed. It was coming down to hit me, and I dodged, but it got me in the arm. I screamed in pain, but luckily Alex had a gun with a special ability that he had installed that made the bullets set on fire on impact. He fired at the Trispider, as I quickly got its leg out of my arm. It shrieked from the burning fire and slowly, painfully died. Mark came over to me and said, "You should head back. You're injured too much."
"No," I replied. "I can still go on. Just bandage me. I'll be OK."
"Suit yourself." He gave me a bandage on my arm and we went to the others. "Are you sure you'll be OK?" asked Karl.
"Yes, I'm sure."

"Hey I forgot to tell you." said Alex. "I upgraded your cannon last night. Now the cannonballs are spiked with Trispider legs."
"Thanks!" I replied. We continued into the burning city and kept searching. Nothing much was found, except blood, until we found some kind of limb of a dead alien. "Marty?" said Karl.
"Nothing I'm familiar with" answered Marty.
"We should analyse this further. For now, I'll put it in my bag I brought to store things we find." Continuing on, we found something else strange. "Looks like a head" Marty commented. "It's similar to the limb we found.? Karl took the limb out and compared it with the head. "Same colours," he said. "It could be the same type of alien. Or maybe they're both part of one alien.? Soon, we found more parts of this alien, the rest of the limbs, the shoulder, neck and everything else. "Everything seems similar," I said. "I wonder what happens if we put the pieces together..."
"If this is one alien, then it's awfully large." said Marty.
"Well let's get building then!" said Karl.

We put every piece together like a jigsaw puzzle. By the time we finished, it looked like a human, but twice the size, bulked with muscle and its skin was a dark blue. "What do you think we should call it, Marty?" I asked.
"Hmm... How about Brute?" he suggested.
"Seems fitting." said Karl. Suddenly, the Brute's eyes opened and it got up. It let out a deafening bellow and came charging at the rebels.

I fired my cannon and the spikes dug into the Brute's skin. However, it kept going and nearly hit Alex, but he dodged. I kept firing but I couldn't stop the Brute. All we could do was dodge its attack, but our bullets did nothing. "So it came back to life when we put the pieces together..." said Mark.
"So?" I said.
"Well maybe it wasn't dead. Maybe it just stopped working."
"OK...why does this matter?" asked Karl.
"I get it," said Marty. "We can make it stop working by taking it apart again."
"Good thinking guys!" said Karl. "But how do we take it apart?"
"I've got an idea." answered Alex. "We could use Trispider legs".

We all took two legs, one in each hand, ready to slice up the brute. "This won't be too hard," said Mark. "One of the Brute's weaknesses is that it's slow, so it'll be easy to get up close."
"Let's get slicing!" said Karl. The Brute started charging again, so we dodged, and then I climbed up its back and stuck a Trispider into its shoulder, trying to get its arm off. I put my other one in its chest to weaken it. Alex stabbed two of his in each of the Brute's legs, and Karl did the same as me, but on the other side. Everyone else helped us three. A lot of the skin on its chest had come off and the arms were nearly off. I jumped off the beast and picked up my cannon. "What are you doing?" asked Karl. I fired my cannon into the Brute's chest and it screamed because its skin wasn't there to protect it, but it didn't fall. When I ran around and fired the cannon at its back however, it fell. "Good idea!" exclaimed Karl.

The arms were off and then everyone went to help Alex with the legs. Soon, they were off too. Alex went for its neck and stabbed, then twisted round its head. Its head was nearly off. "You may have defeated me," said the Brute.
"It can talk?!" I said, confused.
"But-" began the Brute, but its head came off and it died.
"This is just the beginning!!" bellowed a voice that sounded like a Brute, but deeper and much, much louder. We looked up and saw an alien that was the same as a Brute, but five times the size.

CHAPTER 5: ESCAPE

"We're not fighting this guy, are we?" I asked.
"I think it would be better we run" replied Marty.
"We need to get these Brute pieces in the bag first." Karl remembered. "Otherwise our work will be for nothing." We all took a piece each and shoved them into Karl's bag, and then helped carry it, as it was extremely heavy. But the bigger version of the Brute was even heavier, so it took a long time to get to us.

"I think we should call it the Grand Brute" said Marty. We ran as fast as we could until we reached the steps, and used every ounce of strength to carry the bag back to the base. As soon as we got to the entrance, we threw the bag in and jumped in with it. "Whew," I said. "We made it back alive".
"Um...I don't think so." said Alex, pointing to the broken ceiling. The Grand Brute glared at us and then clenched its fists to crush us. We ran out of the base just in time and followed Karl who was going to a train. "I'll drive." said Marty. "I used to be a train driver before Tentacle Dude showed up." We got in and broke the windows so that we could shoot the Grand Brute, and some of us went to the back to shoot.

The Grand Brute came stomping after us as the train started moving. My cannonballs did nothing, although they sunk into the Grand Brute's skin. Then, as we entered the tunnel, everything became dark and Alex screamed. "There's something on my leg!" he said. "It's digging into my skin!? He reached for his leg and pulled it off. Then, one got me as well, and I was screaming the same things as Alex did. Then the lights in the train turned on and we noticed there were more of what was on my leg, and they swarmed the train. They had ball shaped torsos which doubled up as their heads and had very small feet with no legs at all and sharp fangs that stuck out of their mouth like a vampire.

As soon as we were out of the tunnel, they were bathed in sunlight and seemed to be injured by it. Eventually, they fell to the ground and died. "Well that was scary." I commented. "Do you think we could make some sort of weapons out of them? Maybe using their fangs?"
"I've got an idea." said Alex. "We could upgrade your cannon by using these fangs as spikes."
"But that's only for me. What about for everybody?"
"Hmm...Maybe we could make a gun that shoots out fangs."
"That's a great idea!"
"Alright, I'll get to work. I'll do both the your cannon and the guns.? He went away somewhere and took some of the dead aliens with him. "Let's call those aliens...Nightcrawlers." said Marty.
"Well they don't really crawl. How about Nightwalker?" I suggested.
"They?re quite small so I think Nightplodder is more appropriate." said Marty.

The Grand Brute came back and opened the ceiling. "Fools!" it bellowed. "There is no escape!? It grabbed the train and lifted it high above the ground, and Karl got flinged out. He landed on the Grand Brute's face, so the Grand Brute let go of the train to try and get rid of Karl. The train fell back onto the ground, and we watched Karl try not to fall off the Grand Brute. He shot its eye and it stumbled back, making Karl nearly falling off. Karl was holding on from its chin, as it opened in its mouth to scream. We watched from the train as Karl fell in its mouth and got swallowed.

"Hey I finished the fang shooting guns!" called Alex. "I also made your cannon spikes sharper." Nobody responded, but instead just stared at the Grand Brute.
"Alex," said Marty. "Karl got...he got eaten."
"What do you mean? He can't have-"
"He's gone Alex!" interrupted Marty. As the Grand Brute started stomping after us again, it stopped and belched. Its stomach exploded and Karl jumped out of the inside.
"You're alive!!" I exclaimed.
"'?Course I am." replied Karl. "I could never leave my little rebel army on their own."
"How did you do that?" asked Marty.
"Well once I was fiddling with a dead alien and...um...the same thing happened."

Even after getting a massive hole in its body, the Grand Brute kept on walking. We got out of the train and ran the away with the heavy bag of Brute parts. Then, we saw another train platform. Marty drove since there was no one else to drive. The train was a lot quicker than the Grand Brute, but still it had long legs, therefore it could make larger steps. We kept going until the track led to a bridge going over water. The Grand Brute stopped chasing us, as it couldn't go through water.

CHAPTER 6: TAKING OVER

"We escaped alive." I said.
"But we still need a base." said Mark. There was a massive building that towered above the others, and it wasn't on fire.
"Do you think we could use that?" I suggested, pointing at it.
"Good idea, but it looks like it's filled with aliens." said Marty, as a swarm of Stridecannons jumped out of a window.
"Hey have you already forgotten?" said Alex. "I made you all new guns!"
"Alright then," said Karl. "Let's test them out!".
"First, we need a safe place to keep our bag of Brute parts.".
"Leave it to me!" said Alex. "I'll hide them somewhere that no alien could find!? Alex hid the bag, and we all stepped through the front door of the building.

The first thing we saw was a bunch of Stridecannons. We all fired and within seconds they were dead. "Wow," I said. "The fangs work really well!? There was a corridor with doors leading to different rooms, but we didn't enter any. At the end of the corridor there were stairs leading up. Then, we heard someone call for help and scream. "What was that??" exclaimed Marty. We rushed up the stairs and there was another corridor, with a dead body and an alien that looked like a Rifledog, but without guns in its hands. It turned round with a jerk and we could see that it had blades for hands.

It flipped towards us and pounced into the air. I fired my cannon but the alien deflected the cannonball with ease and landed behind Alex. Before it could stab him using its blade-arms, Karl shot a fang directly into its face and it jumped back to the dead body. I fired my cannon again and this time it hit, and the alien fell to the ground. But it wasn't dead yet. I walked up next to it but suddenly it got up and ran away into a room. "Let's call it Bladedog." said Marty.

We continued and there were even more steps to climb. At the top there was a dark room. I tried to switch the light on, but it was broken. "Careful," said Karl. "There might be Nightplodders lurking in the shadows." Then, there was a moan and something grabbed me and I screamed. I elbowed it and it let go, whilst Karl tried to find his flashlight. When he found it, he shined it on the alien that grabbed me and everyone shot at it until it died. But there were more. They looked like people who were thrown into a fire and then their muscles torn apart. We kept shooting them but they kept coming back up. Then Mark had an idea. "Maybe they're like the Brute we fought." he said. "We need to take them apart."

We all took a Trispider leg and stabbed, but they wouldn't go through the aliens. "I'll make a weapon." said Alex. "Cover me!? We defended Alex while he worked away behind us. My cannon could kill the aliens in one shot but the guns couldn't, so I did my best to help everyone slow them down. Alex finished quickly, as it was a simple design. He had attached Nightplodder fangs to the ends of the Trispider legs, so that they became more deadly. We all took one and took apart the aliens, one by one. They all fell to the ground and died. "I think Nightwalker would be the most appropriate name for these aliens."

We kept going, out of the dark room and into another corridor. There were even more steps and we were all getting tired. But Karl assured us it would be worth it in the end. There were rooms we could explore but we kept going up, until we reached the top floor. "What is that??" I asked, pointing to an alien that looked like a giant turtle, but with rhino horns and a spiked shell.

"What are humans doing here?" it snarled. "I'll destroy you! All of you!? It charged at us but we dodged, as it was slow. I fired my cannon but it just bounced of the alien's shell and took down a wall. "You cannot defeat me!" it laughed. "I'm far too powerful!" We kept on shooting but our attacks did nothing. Then, Karl slid underneath the alien and shot from beneath. He injured the alien slightly but it was still standing. That gave me an idea. I took two spiked Trispider legs, one in each hand, and slid under the alien. I stabbed them between its shell and its belly, trying to get the shell off, but it didn't work. I rolled away, as I nearly got stomped on by the alien, now with two spiked Trispider legs stuck under its shell. Other rebels realised what I was trying to do, and did the same. The alien now had loads of spiked Trispider legs stuck under its shell. Karl hadn't put his in yet, and when he did, it was the final one. We all pushed the legs downwards so the side that was under the alien's shell would go upwards. The shell came off, and bare skin was all that was left. I grabbed my cannon off the floor and fired at the alien, now without armour. Everyone else picked up their guns and fired. All of the fangs dug into the alien's skin and eventually, it died.

"I'm guessing this was the big boss of the building." said Karl. "But it's ours now!? We all cheered and then Alex went and collected the bag to bring back. "So what should we call it, Marty?" I asked.
"ShellRhino? It looks like a rhino with a shell so ShellRhino could work." replied Marty.
"Sounds good." said Karl. "Now we can start to work on the Brute parts and what we could do with them."

CHAPTER 7: THE COMMANDER

"I think we could make armour out of the Brute parts." I suggested.
"No, I have a better idea..." said Alex.
"Well tell us what it is then!" said Karl.
"It's a surprise." replied Alex. "Mark, I might need your help though.? Mark followed Alex to another room and Alex told him his idea for the Brute. I could hear the sound of Mark saying, "This is brilliant!" They came back out and Mark told us that they needed some kind of lab to work in and the right tools.

Suddenly, there was a deafening explosion and the sound of glass shattering. When we rushed to the window, we saw these things that looked like metal wheels with spikes and blades sticking out, and they were on fire. They were launched towards the building and exploded on impact. We looked down and saw things that looked like catapults, launching these exploding wheels at us. But in front of them, there was a man commanding the catapults with nothing more than a single word, ?Fire!?
His skin was purple, and on his face it was wrinkly, but the rest was smooth as silk. He wore a sleeveless white buttoned shirt, and baggy black pants with a brown leather belt. He was bald, and wore a light brown hat to hide his shame. Next to him was a man who looked similar to him, but was slightly shorter and fatter. He was bald but he saw no reason to hide it. His clothing was similar only his shirt had full sleeves and the buttons were undone, revealing his bare chest.

The taller man with the hat seemed content with what he was doing, until he looked up and saw our faces, which caused a mixture of confusion and annoyance to appear in his face. Then he commanded his army of catapults to hold their attack. ?Who are you?? he shouted up to us. ?What are you doing in that tower??
?This is ours!? answered Karl. ?We claimed it as our base!?
?Was there anyone here before you?? the man replied.
?Of course- ?I began.
?Who are they?? the sinister stranger interrupted, the fury growing in his voice.
?Well they were aliens!? said Mark. ?Like you!?
?Like us?!? the man questioned, his voice filled with hatred and anger. ?Those filthy Advenians, they are far from our kind!?
?Are you telling me there are two species of alien attacking this planet?? I asked.
?Yes, and many more to come!? he said, his voice calming into that of a wise lecturer. ?The Advenians were here first, but I, Commander of the most powerful squad in the Stromnile?s army, suggested we take advantage of the situation to get a chance to strike at the distracted Advenians, our long hated arch enemy! But that is enough talk. I cannot let our secret plans leak out amongst humans. Goodbye.?

And with that, the catapults all disappeared one by one, and finally the two men at the front did so too.

?Should we consider them allies or enemies?? I asked.
?I don?t know.? said Karl. ?But they gave us some useful information. We should use it to our advantage.?

CHAPTER 8: NEW RECRUITS

The next morning, we started thinking about our little rebel army, and its strength. ?We need to reinforce our power.? complained Karl. ?Earn some recognition maybe. This group is tiny, yet we call it an army. We really should get more people in the team so they can help out, make this a real army.?
?So how?re we going to do it?? asked Alex. ?You want us to put posters up or something? Advertise??
?Nope.? said Karl with a smile. ?We?re going with the ?Damsel in distress? routine.?

?Let?s just think about this first.? said Mark. ?What kind of recruits would we like? That would determine where to look.?
?Well first we need someone to upgrade this base?s architecture, a builder of some sort.? said Karl. ?Maybe we could look for a construction site or something.?
?Right.? said Mark. ?We?re high in a tower so it should be easy to spot cranes, scaffolding and other things found at construction sites.?
?But also we need materials for the building.? said Karl. ?Shop owners are always ordering deliveries of products so they could help with buying the materials, and any other business people could help.?
?That would be easy.? said Mark. ?This place must be littered with burning shops.?
?I guess we could also do with more medics.? said Karl. ?You may not be enough, Mark.?
?Good idea.? said Mark. ?And everyone?s got a local medic, right? Another easy job.?
?I think that?s it.? said Karl. ?Other than that, just find the source of screaming.?

So we set off towards the flaming city, however it was not the same city we were first based in, as we decided not to take the long walk across the bridge, but instead explore the area near our new base.

We strolled casually into a burning shop, through the smoke and heat. There was a man standing there, looking in his late 40s, and a teenage boy standing next to him. The man had black hair with a bald patch on top, and the boy also had black hair, but his was curly. They were coughing from all the smoke, and shouting ?Help!?

Alex and I reached out our hands and helped them out of the building. ?Aliens?? I asked.
?Yes,? said the man. ?They came and threw fire everywhere, trashed our shop!?
?It seems they have ruined your life,? said Karl. ?If you join our cause you can create a new life for yourself and support our fight against the aliens. We are based in the tower behind us.?
?Thank you very much.? replied the man. ?We will try our best to help.?
?What are your names?? I asked.
?I?m Anthony.? said the man. ?And this is my son, Jack.?
?Go to the tower,? said Karl. ?Mark, our doctor, is at the entrance waiting to escort you.?

We kept walking, killing the occasional alien to pop up, until we saw something strange. There was an injured woman on the ground and another woman bending over here with her hands strangely glowing green. They were both ginger and had green skin. Then we heard the one with glowing hands mutter, ?Those Advenians??
?Are you having trouble with the Advenian aliens?? asked Karl.
?Yes,? she replied. ?They are killing more and more of my comrades everyday. Who are you??
?I am Karl,? he said. ?This is a small army that I have gathered in order to fight the Advenians.?
?I would be happy to help,? she said. ?Both of us can support you as healers. My name is Replenique, and this is Medikta. We are Heliean healers. But I must finish healing Medikta before I help you, otherwise she will be in grave danger.?
?I understand. When you are ready, come to the tower back there, and you will be escorted.? said Karl, pointing at the tower. ?And please don?t feel left out because you are the only ones aren?t human.?
?We shall take our position with pride.? confirmed Replenique.

We continued on, and searched various areas, until we found a construction site. There were two purple-skinned men carrying a damaged catapult behind them, like the ones that the Commander was leading earlier, and two human men wearing hard hats arguing with them, who had a burning, incomplete building behind them.

?This here, is a weapon belonging to the Stromnile!? said one of the purple-skinned men. ?It is what we are using to fight those Advenians! It is much more important than your useless building.?
?This building is far from useless!? said one of the humans. ?Our career depends on this!? The fury grew inside him, and then his teeth started growing sharper and larger, like a vampire at night, and then his hair start overgrowing, into fur. Before we knew it, before us was a fierce, black panther. These weren?t humans, they were aliens.

His friend beside him had to hold him back to prevent him from going wild. ?What?s going on here?? asked Karl.
?Hey, what do you think is worse,? said the purple-skinned man, as if he hadn?t heard what Karl just said. ?Our catapult, or that building.?
?I don?t care what?s worse,? replied Karl. ?Who did this??
?Those selfish Advenians.? said the man who turned into a panther, who had now calmed down and was back to normal. ?They came and wrecked everything.?
?They?re everyone?s problem these days?? I commented.
?We have gathered an army of people who hate the Advenians just as much as you do,? said Karl, ignoring what I just said. ?If you would like to join??
?As long as I can hurt those blasted Advenians.? said the Stromnile man. ?We?re in. I am Watikke and this is Ondestrou.?
?Us too,? said the shape shifting man. ?I am Swiiche and this is Diffonze. We are Shaeschiffian shape shifters.?
?Follow us,? said Karl. ?We are heading back to base.?

When we got back to the tower, we welcomed our new recruits and learned a bit about each other.

Anthony and Jack had owned a family business, but Jack?s mother and sister had both been killed by a Trispider. In rage, Anthony pulled off its legs and stabbed it to death. More swarmed in, and Anthony was being severely injured, as a result, Jack stepped in and helped fight. They made them back off, but then there was loud explosion, and the shop caught on fire. They were stuck in there for five minutes, enduring the smoke, until we saved them.

The Heliea was just a tribe, on the planet of Majje. There were four tribes, and each one specialised in a different discipline of magic. There was the Heliean tribe which specialised in healing magic. Also, the Maffoen tribe, which specialised in offensive spells like throwing fireballs or shooting lightning. There was also the Spukaen tribe which specialised in reading the future and most also trained in basic physical fighting ability. Lastly, there was a tribe that specialised in shape shifting into animals, called the Shaeschiffian.

Of course Swiiche and Diffonze were Shaeschiffians, and therefore came from the planet Majje, like Replenique and Medikta. They had the power to shape-shift into any animal they liked, but every Shaschiffian also had a Soul Animal. A Soul Animal was their personal animal which often matched their personality and attitude. A Shaeschiffian turns into their Soul Animal when it is triggered by emotion. Swiiche?s Soul Animal was a Black Panther ? he turned into it earlier when he was angry with Watikke. Diffonze?s Soul Animal was a Golden Eagle.

Watikke and Ondestrou were both trained professionals in weaponry and armour. Alex seemed to be very intrigued by this and requested them to help with his ?surprise?, and they accepted. The fact that they needed professional workers to help them made me even more eager to know what their ?surprise? was all about.

CHAPTER 9: ONE MORE STEP

?There, a perfect army.? I said.
?Well, I guess it?s a start.? said Karl.
?A start? I think it?s better than just a start.?
?He?s a hard man to please.? said Alex with a wink. I smiled and then said, ?So what now? Are going to continue this lifestyle or try and get rid of the Advena for good??
?You want to attack the Advena directly?? asked Karl. ?We don?t have a location, or even any general information.?
?Actually I can show you to our Stromnile base.? said Ondestrou. ?There are people there who might have useful information, since us Stromnile and the Advena are arch enemies.?
?That would be great.? said Karl.

Karl chose Medikta, Replenique, Mark, Alex and me to come with him, Watikke and Ondestrou on the trip to the Stromnile base. It would take too long to walk, so Watikke and Ondestrou turned their damaged catapult into a small vehicle. It accelerated by a wheel being turned constantly, which Watikke operated.

Eventually, we reached the base. There was a massive wall made out of some kind of stone in the colour of pale blue. Each corner had a tall turret made out of the same material. Inside the wall was an enormous black dome shaped building with a chrome silver radio tower protruding from the middle. On the sides of the dome there were cannons, defence systems, and garages filled with vehicles and mobile weaponry, such as catapults and wheeled gun turrets.

?Lead the way!? said Karl, to Watikke and Ondestrou. They led us to the front gates and told the guards we were friends. When we entered the dome, it looked like a massive industrial factory. There were people everywhere, working on building weapons. It was designed in a ring shape with working tables and machines lining the edge. The round room in the middle of the ring was used as Living Quarters and the Commander of The Base?s office.

We made our way to the Commander?s office and knocked on the door. ?Come in.? said the Commander. When we walked in with Watikke and Ondestrou, he recognised them and said, ?What are you two doing here? I thought?I thought you died back there??
?Nope, were alive.? said Watikke. ?These humans helped us. They are fighting against the Advena.?
?Ah I see.? said the Commander. ?Well are you going to come back with us then??
?That?s not why we came-? began Ondestrou
?Go on,? interrupted Karl. ?You should fight for your own planet, in your own army, if you?re fighting the Advena already.?
?Very well then.? said the Commander. ?Go to Living Quarters until further orders.? They obeyed and walked away.

After that, Karl moved onto the real reason we were here. ?We?re looking for some information, about the Advena?s location.?
?You mean you want their main base of operations??
?Precisely,? replied Karl. ?We decided it was time to finally attack them directly, rather than simply defend ourselves from their attacks.?
?This is very secret information we?re talking about.? said the Commander. ?But I?ll tell you what I know. Apparently, their master lives in a very-well protected base called Internal Superior. It is called this because the Advena think they are the destined and superior race.?
?Thanks,? said Karl. ?So how are Stromnile armies approaching the Advena??
?Well we currently have scout ships flying around and finding areas occupied by Advena.? he replied. ?We then take over those areas for ourselves. Let me show you some maps of which areas belong to who.? He opened a drawer and took out several maps, each with a different city.

Suddenly, there was a tremor and the sound of a plane started ringing in my ears. It sounded very close by. Then there was a loud explosion, and we knew we were being attacked.

CHAPTER 10: ESCAPING CHAOS

Immediately, Stromniles were shouting, screaming and grabbing their high-tech weapons. A few people ran outside to see what was going on and our group did the same. There were strange flying vehicles approaching the base, piloted by Advenian aliens. The flying vehicles were mainly purple with green streaks and a strange symbol at the side. The Advena?s flag. The symbol was a green triangle inside a black circle. The pilots inside the vehicles were aliens that we had never seen before. They had two metal bands strapped to their faces which led into their mouths and their skin was light blue, tight and wrinkled. Their veins bulged out all over their bodies and their hands and feet were webbed.

More, and more flying vehicles were swarming in, all blasting their guns and missiles at the base. ?We?re outdone.? said the Commander. ?We can?t win. We?ve got to flee.? Some of the vehicles landed and aliens flooded out. They were made up of Rifledogs and Bladedogs. ?Follow me,? shouted the Commander over all the noise. ?There?s only one way out of this.? Everyone heard the order and obeyed, and they told everyone inside the base. The Commander led us towards one of the vehicles that had landed, unsheathing a sword and slashing his way through the crowd of Advena, whilst we shot at them with our guns.

We charged inside the vehicle and surprisingly it was big enough to hold everyone. The pilot turned around to look at us and scowled at the sight. It sprinted towards us, breathing heavily with the metal bands in its mouth. Bullets rained wildly on the pilot, but it dodged every one of them and approached the Commander. Its fingers wrapped tightly around his neck with amazing strength; the Commander had his sword ready. But it wasn?t good enough. The pilot used its free hand to stop the Commander swinging his sword and squeezed tighter around his neck. Then everyone shot the pilot and the battle was easily won.

The Commander took the wheel and we took off without hesitation. ?Where are we going?? I asked.
?We?re going back to your base,? answered the Commander. ?If that?s okay.?
?That?s fine.? said Karl. ?But I?m not sure we have room for everyone.?
?Wait,? interrupted the Commander. ?There?s something on the radar. I think the Advena are tailing us.? Suddenly there was a loud ?bang? and the vehicle shook violently.

?I don?t know how to work these Advenian weapons.? said the Commander. ?We?ll have to use our own. Of course, being Stromniles, our technology is far more advanced than those Advenians.? All the Stromniles understood immediately and opened the side doors of the vehicle. Their weapons were indeed advanced, ranging from guns with special additions and perks, to swords with mechanical devices attached.

Karl, Alex, Replenique, Medikta and I all followed the Stromniles and peered outside. There was a flying vehicle belonging to the Advena with a pilot inside. It sped up slightly and became parallel with our vehicle, and then the Commander noticed what was going on and raised our vehicle so that the other one was below us.

Instantly, Stromniles shot claws attached to chains down with their grapple guns and slid down them to attack the Advena. We did the same, sliding down the metal chains that were already in place. One of them blew a hole in the roof with a sticky timed bomb, beckoning as they jumped in. We swarmed in, guns scanning the area. Bullets easily found its target; the pilot, but to our surprise, there was no one else in sight. Then, an eerie feeling filled the room, and holes appeared in the ceiling as bullets rained in. Stromniles threw bombs that exploded on impact, aimed at the source of the bullets. The explosions were followed by screams as Rifledog corpses dropped onto the ground.

Grapple guns were being shot as soon as the hole was made so that we could see what was happening. However, Karl and I stayed down. ?We?re going to blow the engines!? bellowed Karl. ?Get ready to shoot your grapple guns when I give the signal!? I wasn?t convinced that everyone heard what Karl had just said, but I decided to have faith in our plan. Karl and I ran towards the back of the vehicle, and there was a trapdoor with a ladder leading down. We climbed down and saw a giant metal box. The battery.

Karl took out a small bomb and said, ?All it takes is a tiny controlled explosion.? He placed it on the battery and set the timer on two minutes. ?We don?t have much time.? said Karl, rushing towards the ladder. ?Come on.? I followed him up the ladder, across the room and up the hole. ?The bomb is in place!? shouted Karl. ?Let?s get moving!?

Everyone rushed up the chains, me and Karl last. We shot the chains and let them break free, jumping towards them. But just as Karl leaped, an alien snagged his collar and dragged him back. It was one of the pilots with metal bands around their face and had a harness on. The cord led all the way back to another flying vehicle. The vehicle they were standing on dropped slightly and then the engines blew. Karl was dragged back with the pilot who had grabbed him, and they disappeared back towards the flying vehicle the pilot was harnessed to.

We watched in shock and terror. ?Commander!? I shouted, rushing towards him. ?Turn back, Karl has been captured!?
?What, really? Where?? he asked, as I ran back to the opened door at the side of the aircraft, but the one holding Karl had already vanished.
?I- I?m not sure!? I cried in desperation. ?I can?t see him anymore!?
?Well we don?t have time to track him!? replied the Commander. ?Let?s go home. Once we?re there we?ll have plenty of time to track him.?
?But-?I began, but was interrupted by Alex,
?Listen to the commander,? I obeyed and walked away.

Eventually, we arrived in the ruins of the city and landed by the tower we were based in.

CHAPTER 11: PEACE IS AN ILLUSION

We told everyone what had happened and they were just as shocked as we were. No one was quite sure what would happen to Karl. Some were convinced he was dead. Others had more faith.

As time passed, as ideas rooted, evolving into simple plans, and eventually becoming long discussions and complex planning. We had been doing that for months and months, thinking of the perfect plan. Everyone was involved. Everyone was determined. Everyone was ready.

However, it seemed that the Advena had backed off and had kept quiet for that time. No attacks were received. None were given. None were even seen. Some said that they were gone, and took Karl with them. Some said they had been killed by others. But I had other suspicions in mind. I knew this wasn?t over. We had been so relaxed. But it was all so wrong.

As we finally made a decision on our plan, I realised that things would probably not go accordingly. I realised that the peace we were experiencing now would not be the same once the plan was put into action. This peace was not real.

I knew true peace would never come. Not while the Advena were around. This peace was an illusion.
_______________________________________________________________________________

Thanks for reading! Get ready for a new epic sequel showing the plan in action! Coming soon!

Last edited by skullz16 (Jan 26 2013 7:55:53 am)

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thx for sig bobithan

theHFnetwork

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Re: The Advena - story by skullz16

Nice story. Keep it up!

skullz17

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Joined: 2015-02-15

Posts: 6,699

Re: The Advena - story by skullz16

Thanks!

Okay, the story will hopefully be finished by this weekend if I work hard.. It might be little bit long so it might fill the page too much.

But I think if you have a bigger post the post count on the page lowers. I'm probably wrong but just a guess :/

If it does fill the page too much, I can always put it in pastebin.

Last edited by skullz16 (Jan 25 2013 11:04:43 am)

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thx for sig bobithan

HappyKat

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Re: The Advena - story by skullz16

I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to give a little feedback to help you improve with your writing. I think it has good potential, but there are some parts where I think you can improve.

I was in an unfamiliar room just sitting down, doing nothing. There was something strange in the corner, but it was still, so it didn't bother me. Then, I saw it move in the corner of my eye. I was curious now, slowly approaching it. Suddenly an eye opened, and a tentacle sprouted from a hole, which I thought was its mouth. The tentacle grabbed me and lifted me up, then another tentacle came out and the unusual creature held it above me for a second. In a split second, the tentacle turned sharp and went speeding towards me. I was so scared I had to close my eyes.

In this first part you say you wake up in an unfamiliar location, however in the realm of story telling "unfamiliar" is only relative to the character you are portraying. For example, if your character is human then an unfamiliar place might be in some sort of alien habitat or home, where as if your character is alien an unfamiliar place maybe a human habitat or home. I think there should be more explanation of the setting and what else is gong on surrounding the character.

You also say you are sitting, but sitting on what? The floor? A chair? A stool? The type of furniture in the room can hint to many assumptions such as location of the character, (is this the characters home?), is it a really fancy expensive chair, or an old beaten and ratty chair? (Is the character rich or poor?), by examining such things you can begin to really see and visualize the scenario.

Maybe you could say instead of, "I was sitting down doing nothing", you could say, I was sitting down in the old beaten dining room table chair having a staring contest with my reflection on the table. I always lost though, because there were so many scratches on this old piece of junk that I couldn't even see myself blink on the reflective surface of the wood.

The same could be said for your description of this tentacle monster. You say it appears almost out of nowhere, which can be rationalized in such a fictitious tale, however you never really say much besides that it has tentacles and a hole which looks like a mouth. Is it big? Is it small? Is it green, blue, or red? Such details can give the reader a certain sense of either, "Oh it's a nice friendly monster", or, "RUN IT'S A GIANT MENACING VICIOUS TERRIBLE BEING!", which I think in this case is the latter

When I opened them I was in another unfamiliar room. It was all just a dream. It wasn't real. But unfortunately, reality was just as bad.

I rushed to the door to open it and find out where I was, but it was locked. So I looked around for a way out, and I found a window. But when I saw what was happening outside, I changed my mind about getting outside. Buildings were engulfed in flames, and people were screaming and running. I had many thoughts and questions, "It looks like a war is taking place here. What is going on...??

Again, how does this room look unfamiliar. Why is it unfamiliar? What is it about this room that you don't recognize?

As for the rest, well I guess we will have to see where the story goes from there-

It seems as if, presumably, if a whole array of nearby buildings are on fire then the one your character is in should be on fire too, but since you are the author that is your decision to make on what happens next.

I won't critique the rest until you get there, and only if you want me to. I quite enjoy reading and critiquing stories because I am a creative writing minor in college, and so if you ever want to chat with me about writing I'd be more than happy to talk about it

skullz17

Member

Joined: 2015-02-15

Posts: 6,699

Re: The Advena - story by skullz16

Well actually I've done a lot more than Chapter 1, I've put only Chapter 1 there because I wanted it to be like a sneak peek/trailer. I'm actually around the last chapter of my story (chapter 10 at the moment, but I think I'm going to have an 11th chapter too). I want to release everything in one go.

As for the feedback, thanks a lot. I really need to improve and it helps having someone who is good at this kind of thing. I didn't want to give too much detail in the first chapter, since it's just a dream and I wanted it to seem a little bit unclear. Any ideas on how to make this effect better?

Also I'm planning to proof read the whole thing and make some improvements once I've finished it. Although I do occasionally look around for grammar mistakes and to improve sentence structure.

I've gotten quite far writing the story today, I'll either finish tonight or tomorrow. I've written the main part of the ending so I'm just going to wrap things up.

EDIT: The story is finished (finally)! Hope everyone enjoys it. And I'm going to proof read it tomorrow, feeling a bit tired now.

Also you can probably guess from the ending, but there will be a sequel coming! The release date will be July 2016! Just kidding. This one took maybe just over 6 months, but considering I had a month of quitting EE and stopped writing the story, and didn't write that much when I first started bringing the story back again, I think it's pretty good.

Last edited by skullz16 (Jan 26 2013 7:54:59 am)

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thx for sig bobithan

HappyKat

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Re: The Advena - story by skullz16

Ok I finally read... well skimmed it... and well....

This will probably come off as harsh, but I will try and say it in the most constructive way possible.

First I'll start with character design-

The character design was really bad for the most part. I felt like, you know if there is this big giant war going on, and all these aliens running amuck, it just feels like there would be more feeling of fear and/or suspicion.

The protagonist for the most part seems more like a narrator, and he often gets lost in the story and replaced by the plot. He is also mentioned several times doing things, but there is never any comments or thoughts of his on what he actually thinks when doing them. I find it very skeptical that one, a person who wakes up and has this sort of amnesia is just gonna be ok and accept all of this craziness that's going on, and two that this small rebel group would just accept with without question and give him all this power. It's like, they don't even know him and they just completely trust him.

I dislike how Alex is always making all these weapons, but it never says where he gets the tools to make them, and it's like how does he even know how to handle this advanced alien weaponry anyways? It would be nice to know a bit more about Alex and his past, but you shouldn't just say it thought you need to show it.

Also with the commander, why is it before he won't even talk to the humans, and then the second time he's like "Well I'll just tell you this top secret information anyways because like it's not top secret or anything you know."
I think that it's completely ludicrous that he would just change on a wim, and just give away a part of his power to help.

So in all the problem is, your characters are too simple. You don't give them real depth or meaning. You tell me the things they do, but you don't show who they really are. You make them easy, willing to believe and accept and go with the flow, but for the situation surrounding the events it's kind of contradictory really. Times of war and crisis are most often the times when we have those feelings of distrust, and hatred, and fear. You should really go back and add some emotion to the scene.

Take this for example:

"The Stridecannon came stomping through the hole in the wall and the trap was set off. Because of its strong body it was barely affected. Then, everyone started shooting it, including me, as it shot its cannon. The cannonball came out and got Karl in the chest. He screamed and collapsed to the floor. I didn't know what to do. The monster was too strong. Then, looking at a room filled with dead aliens, I had the most brilliant idea. I rushed to the room and rummaged through the corpses, until I found a dead Stridecannon, and ripped off its cannon. "Take this!" I said, as I fired the cannon, and hit the alien. It grunted, fell to the ground and died. Everyone was cheering things like, "You did it! You killed your first alien!? Then, Mark walked up to Karl and took him to another room to look at his wound.

After a while, Karl got healed. "Well," said Karl. "You're with us now, welcome to our little rebel army!"

It's great that the protagonist did something great, but he never reflects on how this actually makes him feel. Is he happy that he killed the alien, is he loathsome toward himself for killing a living being, is he afraid of what he might be getting into? What, what is he feeling. How would he react to this situation. I know personally if this were me, I'd be both happy and scared at the same time. Like a hooray for helping the humans, but scared for what might come next you know?

Adding emotions to the characters is what changes them from cardboard cutouts to actual human beings. Your reader shouldn't just be able to know the people, but they should be able to visualize them, to imagine them as if they were real. Try and imagine how your characters would look and act if they were real, and this situation is real. Really try to immerse yourself into this reality. Feel it, and breathe it.

That being said I'll most onto my next point which is theme.

The theme of a story is basically the overall idea, like what's the point. For example the theme about a story about the environment might be that people should try to save the earth. The theme in a book To Kill a Mockingbird is racism, abuse, and hatred of the black man who was once thought to be inferior. The theme in War of the Worlds is to show the true terror of a real alien invasion and it's effects on mankind, and how people would react in said situation.

When I read your story I didn't really get a sense of any sort of theme. For the most part it was plot based, meaning what happened in the story is what drives the story along, which for the most part was fighting aliens. Fighting aliens I guess is ok, but it was generally pretty straight forward for the most part. The story was really predictable, because I mean what kind of story would it be if the humans lost?

That's why I personally am growing a dislike for plot based fiction, and it's not just yours alone, but I've read many fantasy fiction novels that are just absolutely so predictable. Maybe it's just a personal preference, but I would avoid to much plot and focus in more on characterization.

For example, so many small battles are not needed in the story. I think it would be better to have fewer battles, and then more in between things that being to describe the scenery, and the emotions. You just want to be quick, quick, quick and scoot it along, but you never take a chance to stop and smell the flowers. You know I can kind of visualize where they are, but you never really go into great depth about their location. Location can play a big role in the story, because it really defines a lot about the characters.

You did mention they were on Earth once, but you never said where. You never said what country, or what kind of city it's like (is it big a city like, or small and barren?), and then from there you can determine so say it's like a big city like New York, then there will obviously be more buildings and more resources, compared to maybe like a small rural are in Kansas, there may be fewer buildings and fewer resources.

After setting up a location then you can begin to map out the characters path. You should already have certain landmark areas in mind. Try to be very specific and very precise. For example, what kind of building is their hide out in? If it was in like an abandoned tuxedo store, that might not really be the best idea, compared to like if it was in an abandoned hospital, then there would be lots of medical supplies they can use to heal their wounds. See what I mean?

So after plotting all this out, the character, and the locations, I go back to theme. Then you have to ask yourself, what am I trying to accomplish? Why am I writing this story? The point of writing any fiction piece, for the most part, is to convey a certain point or message to another person. In some novels it's more easy to see than others, like for example in a childrens novel written by Dr. Seuss it's very easy to understand the point of the book because it's always clearly explained at the end, but then for a higher level reading novel like The Life of Pi, the ending requires you to think about what you have read and draw conclusions based on the authors written work.

But all books, good or bad, always have a reason or a purpose, that is why they are stories, because they tell a tale. Your story seems to be lacking that real story telling spirit. There is not much to be said or learned from your short scripture. It is purely based on action and does really mount up to anything.

Possible themes you could choose to consider are maybe, (and these are just suggestions)

- In the end it is not right to judge people based on their actions, because maybe people have a genuine reason for doing the things they do (Like maybe the Advena actually have a legit reason for terrorizing earth)

- In the end it is not worth risking one like over thousands (Maybe one character sacrifices himself to save everyone else?)

- In the end, the end justifies the means (Maybe one of the characters disobeys his superior, but in his disobedience he brings justice to the true trouble makers and saves the day)
And the ideas would go on, don't let me limit your imagination, it's your story.

And so, a few last remarks (just a few things that really bugged me)

1. You never really explained about the main character in the beginning. What was going on there? What happened? Would you ever considering returning to and expanding on this short memory?

2.

"Thanks!" I replied. We continued into the burning city and kept searching. Nothing much was found, except blood, until we found some kind of limb of a dead alien. "Marty?" said Karl.
"Nothing I'm familiar with" answered Marty.

We all took two legs, one in each hand, ready to slice up the brute. "This won't be too hard," said Mark. "One of the Brute's weaknesses is that it's slow, so it'll be easy to get up close."

Um... kind of contradictory much? You just said you had never seen this alien before, and now all of a sudden you know it's weakness? Sure one could tell that it's based off of observation but you need to show that not just tell it.

3.

The taller man with the hat seemed content with what he was doing, until he looked up and saw our faces, which caused a mixture of confusion and annoyance to appear in his face. Then he commanded his army of catapults to hold their attack. ?Who are you?? he shouted up to us. ?What are you doing in that tower??
?This is ours!? answered Karl. ?We claimed it as our base!?
?Was there anyone here before you?? the man replied.
?Of course- ?I began.
?Who are they?? the sinister stranger interrupted, the fury growing in his voice.
?Well they were aliens!? said Mark. ?Like you!?
?Like us?!? the man questioned, his voice filled with hatred and anger. ?Those filthy Advenians, they are far from our kind!?
?Are you telling me there are two species of alien attacking this planet?? I asked.
?Yes, and many more to come!? he said, his voice calming into that of a wise lecturer. ?The Advenians were here first, but I, Commander of the most powerful squad in the Stromnile?s army, suggested we take advantage of the situation to get a chance to strike at the distracted Advenians, our long hated arch enemy! But that is enough talk. I cannot let our secret plans leak out amongst humans. Goodbye.?

And with that, the catapults all disappeared one by one, and finally the two men at the front did so too.

All I'm saying is, for the all commander knows the humans could have been brain washed and actually working with the Advena. It just really bothers me that a character who seems like he should be really smart would just so easily let himself be revealed and then be ok with it.

What if the Advena didn't know about the commander and his forces, and then the rebels went and told the Advena? It seems pretty dumb that the commander would leave all these "loose ends". Also personally, though I realize both parties have the same general goal, I still just think that the commander would consider himself "superior" to the humans, and not be so accepting of the humans because really the humans are obviously the inferior ones in this case.

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I hope all my advice and criticism will inspire you to keep writing, and I seriously hope you read it all because I mean all that I say. I am a lover of writing myself and I would never lead you in the wrong direction.

Good luck, and can't wait to read more

Last edited by HappyKat (Jan 29 2013 8:02:08 pm)

Sensei1

Member

From: The land of saunas

Joined: 2015-02-16

Posts: 1,112

Re: The Advena - story by skullz16

I'm reading this in my school bus xD
I tought the story is long, but happykats posts are almost as long
I have troubles with my english, but i think its nice   story (Im on chapter 3)

EDIT: Ok, the story is way longer than happykats posts

Last edited by Sensei1 (Jan 29 2013 11:37:11 pm)

skullz17

Member

Joined: 2015-02-15

Posts: 6,699

Re: The Advena - story by skullz16

Thanks, I also noticed the problems with characteristic whilst I was writing the story (before I decided to share it). I noticed scenery problems after you're first criticism post.

Once I make the sequel to the story, I'll really make sure that I consider all of this. I don't really like editing, so that's why I'll do it in the next part. Planning a trilogy.

And when I first started writing this (long time ago, some time before August), when I got to Chapter 5/6 I realised I forgot to give the character a name >.<. I decided to try and do that for the whole story and I managed. Should I do the same for the sequel or try to edit the story to give my character a name?

Also you never answered me when I asked how to make the effect of the dream seeming unclear...

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thx for sig bobithan

HappyKat

Guest

Re: The Advena - story by skullz16

Thanks, I also noticed the problems with characteristic whilst I was writing the story (before I decided to share it). I noticed scenery problems after you're first criticism post.

Once I make the sequel to the story, I'll really make sure that I consider all of this. I don't really like editing, so that's why I'll do it in the next part. Planning a trilogy.

And when I first started writing this (long time ago, some time before August), when I got to Chapter 5/6 I realised I forgot to give the character a name >.<. I decided to try and do that for the whole story and I managed. Should I do the same for the sequel or try to edit the story to give my character a name?

Also you never answered me when I asked how to make the effect of the dream seeming unclear...

Well see it depends on the type of narration you are going for. If you want the reader to sort of feel like they ARE the main character, then you should not give him a name and just use things in the singular sense like, "I did this", or "I thought this was..."

But, if you want the main character to be more of a person of his own, then I would recommend giving him a name.
Using this style compared to the other one basically gives you a little more leeway for describing things, because then you can also use multiple points of view.

For example if the reader IS the main character, then your views would be restricted to the thoughts and actions of a singular person, but if the main character is a character of his own it would give you the ability to explore different situations from multiple perspectives.

The style you choose should be dependent on how you want the reader to see your vision. Do you want the reader to only focus in on certain parts of the story? Or do you want them to consider everything from every direction?

Exploring a singular personality is much easier than exploring multiple personalities IMO, and you have to be careful if you choose to explain things from different points of views. You don't want to accidentally give away spoilers

As for the dream thing, well you have to make it sound very Peripheral, like on the edge of real and unreal. Since the beginning of your thought starts out very realistic and sort of naturalistic it's kind of hard to tell your character is dreaming. Even with the alien, it's sometimes hard to tell because in the work of fiction nothing is out of the realm of the impossible.

Characterization would help a lot with this thing in particular. If your protagonist is skeptical or even a bit cynical it would not take him long to pick up on the fact that obviously something is not right. You should hint to little abnormalities or things that seems out of the world of the normal and really accentuate them in the most vague way possible (if that makes any sense lol.)

I'll just make an example, say I am supposedly dreaming ok? I will write a sample phrase:

I woke up to the lemony scent of a freshly opened car air freshener. I could not tell where the smell was coming from, but then all of a sudden I realized I was driving a car! I grasped the wheel in a daze and quickly tried to gain control of the rampaging vehicle, but for some reason I would not slow down. I slammed down the brake with my foot, but nothing happened. I looked out the windshield and noticed the purple sky. This was going to be a long day...

So twice I had mentioned two very unrealistic scenarios, which is when this person woke up and didn't even realize they were driving, and then they noticed the sky which was purple (which would be considered unusual). From there I might go on to explain a bit more and then eventually wake up.

When said character wakes up the reality they face should be much different than the one prior.

In your story there were three possible outcomes that could fit into your story, and at first glance it's hard to tell which one is true.

1. The character has woken up from a dream
2. The character has been transported (maybe brainwashed and relocated?)
3. The character is still sleeping and the entire war is a figment of his imagination

You as an author should make it more clear which of these things that you want. The story is your vision.

I hope that helps somewhat

Last edited by HappyKat (Jan 30 2013 12:54:14 pm)

skullz17

Member

Joined: 2015-02-15

Posts: 6,699

Re: The Advena - story by skullz16

Thanks, I'll consider this when I write the sequel. But when I talked about the character's name I wasn't referring to third person/first person, I was just thinking about whether the other characters should address the protagonist with his name. Unless that is what you meant, and that keeping the name hidden would make people feel like they're experiencing the story.

Thanks for the dream thing, I'll try to edit the first chapter and create the effect. Maybe not right now, I'll do it later.

For the sequel, I haven't started it yet. I can either start straight away in February or I can do some planning first. However if I do planning then I can't start in March, I have some preparation to do then, for a school event. So the choices are quickly starting in February or waiting with planning to do in April.

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thx for sig bobithan

HappyKat

Guest

Re: The Advena - story by skullz16

Planning to write a story is a much better idea then rushing ahead.

Writing a story should be like making a nice piece of art. One does not simple throw paint on a canvas and call it a masterpiece, you now what I mean?

My approach to writing anything longer than two paragraphs is usually like,

- Write a synopsis for each chapter
- Make a reader X Author chart, this is basically a small thing I put after each chapter to compare the difference between what the reader should know at this point, compared to what the author knows. This is useful so you don't accidentally give away spoilers.
- First time I write it I just go freestyle, make it really bad and sloppy and boring but to the point
- Go back and revise and rewrite
- If I can I have a peer review or some sort of editor look over it
- Revise again
- Revise a third time
- Publish

skullz17

Member

Joined: 2015-02-15

Posts: 6,699

Re: The Advena - story by skullz16

Thank you for that.

When you talk about peer reviewing and editing I feel like you're hinting at something.

I guess I'll do some planning for early February, or I might not have time because I have to prepare for a speech >.<. Need to have it written by Monday and rehearsed by the Monday after that. If I do well I have to do the speech again in a public speaking competition and then if I do well that time I go onto the next round which is for the whole school. So whether I get time or not depends on the quality of my speech.

In March I'm doing yet another Public Speaking event which involves debating with the mayor (not much of a debate, more of a discussion). That would take preparation so I might not be able to start the story until April

But even then I would have only just started planning. The actual story will start later on. And then for you guys you will have to wait for it to be actually released.

Last edited by skullz16 (Feb 1 2013 11:43:57 am)

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thx for sig bobithan

skullz17

Member

Joined: 2015-02-15

Posts: 6,699

Re: The Advena - story by skullz16

**UPDATE**

I don't have much more to do because I didn't even get through the first round of the Public Speaking competition, so I can start to work on part II.

Also it's half-term break so I have lots of time to work.

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thx for sig bobithan