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NikK

Guest

Funny/Cool quotes/facts/phrases/jokes!

So... I was bored and I searched funny quotes. I liked them so I'm cool Whatever.
Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering?
A: Shoot her again.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several inappropriate content movies hidden there
Worse: You're in them

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Worse: With corrections

A boy's father said, "let me see your report card."
The boy replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

That same boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked the boy. "Giving up?"

"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time."

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."

"Life is short and so is money."

"Ever since dying came into fashion, life hasn't been safe."

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

"That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another..."

"We are here to add what we can to life, not to get what we can from life."

Nobody is perfect. I am a nobody. Therefore I am perfect.

Cheese has holes. With more cheese, more holes. With more holes, less cheese. Therefore with more cheese less cheese.

Frogs eat flies. With more flies, more frogs. With more frogs, less flies. Therefore with more flies less flies. (Same joke, different things)

Love is blind. God is love. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore Stevie Wonder is God.

Once someone told me I was nobody. Nobody is perfect. Then, I'm perfect. But only God is perfect. Then I'm God. God is Stevie Wonder. Therefore I'm Stevie Wonder. Oh my god I'm blind!

dDiIdD yYoOuU kKnNoOwW yYoOuUrR bBrRaAiInN cCaAnN rReEaAdD tThHiIsS bBeEfFoOrReE yYoOuU??

Funny/strange/impressive/whatever (real) facts:

-More than ten people a year are killed by vending machines.

-Hippo milk is pink.

-The human brain has the capacity to store everything that you experience.

-One million Americans, about 3,000 each day, take up smoking each year. Most of them are children.

-A person will create enough saliva to fill two average size swimming pools during his lifetime.

-Elvis had a twin.

-The world's smartest pig, owned by a mathematics teacher in Madison, WI, memorized the multiplication tables up to 12.

-The average person spends three years of his or her life on a toilet.

-Smelling bananas and/or green apples (smelling, not eating) can help you lose weight!

-More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world!

-Over 1,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows.

-The inventor of the Waffle Iron did not like waffles.

-Take your height and divide by eight. That's how tall your head is!

-Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.

-One in three snake bite victims is drunk. One in five is tatooed.

-One in three motorists picks their nose while driving.

-In 1895 Hampshire police handed out the first ever speeding ticket, fining a man for doing 6mph!

-A group of officers is called a mess.

-Your fingernails grow faster in winter.

-If you get water flowing fast enough, it can cut metal.

-Standard paper cannot be folded in half more than 7 times. (You're probably going to try)

-The original game of "Monopoly" was circular.

-A portion of the water you drink has already been drunk by someone else, maybe several times over.

-The human eye blinks an average of 4,200,000 times a year.

-There are 170,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 ways to play the ten opening moves in a game of chess.

-When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it usually travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.

-The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

-The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.
-If you find any of these offensive tell me and I'll erase it.
-Feel free to post any quotes/facts/phrases/jokes, and maybe I'll add it to the first post.
-I have tons of facts to put, I'll add them later.

Last edited by NikK (Apr 4 2011 3:24:43 pm)

JadElClemens

Member

From: Colorado, USA

Joined: 2015-02-15

Posts: 4,559

Re: Funny/Cool quotes/facts/phrases/jokes!

lol'd, many times. Well, in my mind, so I just limm'd

---

I hate tall signatures.

Kaosslasher

Guest

Re: Funny/Cool quotes/facts/phrases/jokes!

Quote:

Man you runs in front of car, gets tired.

man who runs behind car gets exhausted

NikK

Guest

Re: Funny/Cool quotes/facts/phrases/jokes!

Glad you guys liked them

Chimi

Guest

Re: Funny/Cool quotes/facts/phrases/jokes!

I liked the birds and the bees one... Made me laugh.

NikK

Guest

Re: Funny/Cool quotes/facts/phrases/jokes!

I added tons of facts! Hope you like them!

Chimi

Guest

Re: Funny/Cool quotes/facts/phrases/jokes!

I'm concerned. I knew about half of those...

NikK

Guest

Re: Funny/Cool quotes/facts/phrases/jokes!

Well... Waw.

Watashii

Guest

Re: Funny/Cool quotes/facts/phrases/jokes!

"Funny/strange/impressive/whatever (real) facts."

I'd question if any of those are real. Can you back them up with some proof/ good source that show that each of them really is real?

Chimi

Guest

Re: Funny/Cool quotes/facts/phrases/jokes!

It's the Internet. All proof is from other people who have no proof.

Krazyman50

Guest

Re: Funny/Cool quotes/facts/phrases/jokes!

What about this one:

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.

Last edited by Krazyman50 (Apr 3 2011 6:15:06 pm)

Palm

Guest

Re: Funny/Cool quotes/facts/phrases/jokes!

Do you know the muffin man?

dDiIdD yYoOuU kKnNoOwW yYoOuUrR bBrRaAiInN cCaAnN rReEaAdD tThHiIsS bBeEfFoOrReE yYoOuU /?

NikK

Guest

Re: Funny/Cool quotes/facts/phrases/jokes!

KRAZYMAN, you made me remember of some, I'll post them later (Also, I'll post yours first).

Palm, I'll put yours too.

Pawlowic

Guest

Re: Funny/Cool quotes/facts/phrases/jokes!

Fact:The youngest parents were 8 and 9 years old.

Fact: The weight of all ants in the world,is greater than the weight of all people!

In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons.

Slugs have 4 noses.

Recycling one glass jar saves enough energy to watch TV for 3 hours.

Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet.

Owls are the only birds who can see the color blue.

The average American drinks about 600 sodas a year.

It's against the law to slam your car door in Switzerland.

There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses.

Honeybees have hair on their eyes.

Edit:Added More facts

Last edited by Pawlowic (Apr 4 2011 10:00:02 am)

NikK

Guest

Re: Funny/Cool quotes/facts/phrases/jokes!

Fact:The youngest parents were 8 and 9 years old.

Fact: The weight of all ants in the world,is greater than the weight of all people!

In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons.

Slugs have 4 noses.

Recycling one glass jar saves enough energy to watch TV for 3 hours.

Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet.

Owls are the only birds who can see the color blue.

The average American drinks about 600 sodas a year.

It's against the law to slam your car door in Switzerland.

There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses.

Honeybees have hair on their eyes.

Edit:Added More facts

You took all of them from googling "funny facts", didn't you?

Palm

Guest

Re: Funny/Cool quotes/facts/phrases/jokes!

KRAZYMAN, you made me remember of some, I'll post them later (Also, I'll post yours first).

Palm, I'll put yours too.

Yay.

The Red Troll

Guest

Re: Funny/Cool quotes/facts/phrases/jokes!

GOOD: my son has a gun with no ammo
bad: it works on air power
worse: its the strongest gun in the world
even worse:100 people in the city are dead
hows that?

Last edited by The Red Troll (Apr 5 2011 12:26:47 am)