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imtn

Guest

Selling Stochastic Ooze Insurance

Is your house protected against Stochastic Ooze?

This dangerous phenomenon causes objects to randomly and suddenly "ooze" through normally impenetrable barriers, like your wall, the earth's crust, or Chuck Norris' chest. Of course, you wouldn't want to wake up in the morning and find out that your kids/little siblings are playing "The Floor is Lava" in real life, would you? That's why you should purchase new Stocha-Surance! This way, when your house gets absorbed into the jungles of Malaysia, you have a pillow to fall back on.

You will pay ludicr- I mean, almost no money per month! Think of it; all of these other homeowners will support you when your house suddenly melts.

Stochastic Ooze also has other pitfalls to be wary of. For instance, one known, though not observed yet, effect is that an actual universe could actually appear in your living room. So, while your in your sofa, careful that a new universe doesn't block your view of a Futurama episode, because *Gasp* you would actually have to put in effort to move two feet over to get a better view of the TV! What a catastrophic thought!

Also, when that Universe pops up, it will not appear like a fox from a foxhole. It will be like the Big Bang, appearing with a violent flourish, simply radiating MENergy and will severely injure all people not being inspired by its radiance.

So, now that you are aware of the dangers of stochastic ooze, I suggest you prepare for all possible occurrences. Always keep a secure container of anti-matter right next to your other safety devices (fire extinguisher, CO alarm) so that you can reach it and activate it during the first 10^-30 seconds where it is possible to abolish the unintended intruder.

Speaking of unintended intruders, stochastic ooze can occur in almost anything; yes, that means that the sneaky drunk you have always suspected down the street can actually melt into your house and nick away your prized possession of copper golf clubs. But don't worry; with the Intrud-Lert policy as part of your overall insurance package, you can breathe a sigh of relief, for only a measly (eight divided by zero) dollars ( 42 divided by 0 pounds) more!

All in all, the full Stocha-surance package will protect you from loss of house, loss of possessions, loss of family members, loss of life, loss of television, loss of hope, loss of car keys, loss of virginity, loss of scrabble board, loss of cake, loss of pie, loss of sobriety, loss of license, and even loss of money!

If you are interested, please PM for more info. In fact, if you contact me within the next 2.432 factorial minutes, you can receive a second package to give to someone else, and two high energy proton guns to dispel all signs of quantum physics immediately!
Source: Stochastic Ooze

imtn

Guest

Re: Selling Stochastic Ooze Insurance

Did you even read?

Gaming_Guy

Guest

Re: Selling Stochastic Ooze Insurance

the jungles of Malaysia

So, you're from Malaysia?

Buzzerbee

Forum Admin

Joined: 2015-02-15

Posts: 4,575

Re: Selling Stochastic Ooze Insurance

loss of virginity, loss of scrabble board

I lol'd.

Did you write this?

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imtn

Guest

Re: Selling Stochastic Ooze Insurance

Yes, but I received some information from Carl Sagan's book and the source mentioned.