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Oturan

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Doing it

I bet this isn't what you thought the topic would be about when you saw the title, so feel free to be dissapointed. But let's get to it. I have an assignment that I have to be finished with until tomorrow. And the subject is english. I almost forgot that I had this assignment so I had to write something up quickly. You probably won't understand that much what it is about since you haven't read the text called doing it, but I still want to ask for your opinion on it. a

This is a text I wrote, from the viewpoint of Jacky, one of the maincharacters in the story. Would you think that this sound like something a girl could write or is it to guy-ish?? And is there some things I could change in it to make it sound better?
Dear Dino

I want to talk to you about what happened yesterday, about the fight we had?.I think that your behavior was wrong, there is no need to get upset over something petty like that. Is sex really that important to you? We have been together for one single month and all you can think about already is how to get inside my pants? I find that really immature of you, especially since you got mad about me not even letting you touch me down there. You acted just like a little child, just because you couldn?t get what you wanted. Is that really how a kid in your age should act when not getting what he wants? Well I don?t really have any clue to how I should react to what happened, I mean I really liked you, even though I didn?t love you. But love isn?t something that comes at first sight. Well for some it might but apparently not me. I think that in time I could have grown to love you, but from the actions you took yesterday I think that we should split up. I am sorry that it had to end this way, but I cannot stay together with you if you?re going to act like this. Please respond to this and I hope that if you apologize we can stay friends.
Xoxoxo Jackie

Last edited by Oturan (Sep 26 2011 9:08:32 am)

plat aka kingpooultra

Member

Joined: 2017-05-27

Posts: 3,873

Re: Doing it

Nice letter, the title made me go ewwwwwwww lol. I don't see what you need to improve on, since I'm not a girl XP. But to me you did a very well job.

Oturan

Guest

Re: Doing it

Okey, but dont you think that each sentence was to short? Or to undetailed?

Last edited by Oturan (Sep 26 2011 9:20:51 am)

plat aka kingpooultra

Member

Joined: 2017-05-27

Posts: 3,873

Re: Doing it

Yeah they seemed short, but it is a letter.

procsesor

Guest

Re: Doing it

*claps* Very good. i feel bad for this couple, even tho its fake.
23/10

Last edited by procsesor (Sep 26 2011 11:42:26 am)

Tachyonic

Guest

Re: Doing it

Dear Dino

Are we in 100 A.D.?

Zoey2070

Moderation Team

From: Shakuras

Joined: 2015-02-15

Posts: 5,510

Re: Doing it

Dear Dino,

[requires indent]I want to talk to you about what happened yesterday, about the fight we had?. I think that your behavior was wrong, there is no need to get upset over something petty like that. Is sex really that important to you? We have been together for one single month and all you can think about already is how to get inside my pants. I find that really immature of you, especially since you got mad about me not even letting you touch me down there. You acted just like a little child, just because you couldn?t get what you wanted. Is that really how a kid in your age should act when not getting what he wants? Well I don?t really have any clue to how I should react to what happened, I mean I really liked you, even though I didn?t love you. But love isn?t something that comes at first sight. Well for some it might but apparently not me. I think that in time I could have grown to love you, but from the actions you took yesterday I think that we should split up. I am sorry that it had to end this way, but I cannot stay together with you if you?re going to act like this. Please respond to this and I hope that if you apologize we can stay friends.
Xoxoxo Jackie

It's a block of text but it makes sense. The point is pretty obvious and there were really only about fourish grammar errors. The sentences didn't really flow well and were sort of choppy and short.

I fixed a few sentences, got rid of a well, added a comma, etc. in my pastebin linked below.

Here's my revision.
It sounds pretty heartfelt to me, and it seems to be something a girl would write. She sounds sincerely sorry that it would have to end that way.

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Oturan

Guest

Re: Doing it

Thanks for the help :3 I needed a girls opinion on this, since I mostly wanted to see if it sounded like something a girl would write. I wrote it quick, in about 15 minutes I think so I didn't check for the little faults and I know that I needed to smooth it out a little. But your help is appreciated ^_^

Chimi

Guest

Re: Doing it

I got a similar letter from a friend just the other day. Yep, sounds good and girlish to me.

Oturan

Guest

Re: Doing it

The block of text was because I copied it from word, it isn't as compact there.